As promised, every Friday I would bring you some insight into how to reinvigorate your übercool inner-self. This week is no exception, in fact I think I have happened upon the key to true alt-worthiness and it is so simple to execute. In fact it will only cost you about 2 extra seconds a day and BAM! Max Markson will be at the head of a screaming pack of agents trying to sign you up.
It all became apparent when I was at a party recently and I was caught in an awkward moment with a woman whom I’d just met. Unperturbed by our lack of acquaintance she bobbed in for a second cheek kiss. I was completely confused, especially since she missed my cheek the first time, but nonetheless she ignored my ignorance and patiently waited for her second cheek to be acknowledged. Later I found out she was really somebody, as she lived in Woollahra. She was also putting up, I mean in a serious de-facto relationship with, a twenty-something salesman, despite her near-cougar status. And as a bonus he looked like he’d just walked off a catwalk in Milan. I especially liked how he winked at me and kissed my hand. When he even gave me his number in case I needed some pool cleaning products, ‘how lucky was she’ I thought 'to have someone so friendly and helpful, and I don't even have a pool!'
Then it hit me, we could all be like her, all we have to do is add an extra cheek kiss to your current single slammer whenever you say hello or goodbye to anyone and everyone. Easy!
As I delved further into it, I realised the double kiss is a wave you just have to get on. And don’t be put off by the poor nobodies around you that end up awkwardly staring at your open second cheek for two whole seconds, they’ll get there eventually. And besides you are doing them a favour, as once they realise the benefits of the double kiss they’ll not only be swinging left and right with abandon, they’ll be so grateful they’ll end up smacking one on your ar5e too!
‘So what are the benefits?’ I hear you ask. Well they are many and varied. Firstly the double kiss instantly implies you are wealthy and probably from the upper class. It indicates a private education, probably enhanced by a lengthy stay in Europe, from which you possess an intellect far superior to most. It demonstrates a socialist idealism as you determinedly share your exclusivity with all levels of society in an altruistic and educational kind of way. And most importantly it shows your sincere generosity as you give twice as much as most.
In 99% of cases I would recommend an almost obsessive approach to the double-kiss, that is, even in the face of an ugly nose collision or confused chin suck, the second cheek must be set upon and christened. But proceed with caution if you ever find yourself outside the five-kilometre boundary of your capital city. A misplaced ‘peccadillo’ in the suburbs could incite the more common Glasgow kiss and a subsequent trip to Emergency. (Note: The upper North Shore is the exception to this rule, so much so you would be unceremoniously extradited if you didn’t double kiss!)
Overall the benefits of double-whammies definitely outweigh any negatives, I mean who really cares if some pleb calls you a Tosser, they’re just jealous of your amazing new status. It’s your fast-track to fame and fortune people, so get smooching and remember the cheeks you’re aiming for are at eye level, well most of the time anyway.