a beautiful madness ~ My IdeaLife

Friday 18 February 2011

a beautiful madness

On 3 hours sleep I am trying to see the positive side of a new baby in my life. My second bub is less work than my first but it seems so much harder this time. Probably because they wake each other and my previously perfectly sleeping-through 21mth old is now night waking and wanting to cuddle, read books and generally get some reassurance that the footsteps he's hearing at all hours of the night are mine and not some green-eyed monsters'.

But if another older woman, be it my mother or the well-meaning neighbour tells me again that this is the best time of my life and I should be relishing it, I'll scream. It is not the best time – yes it is amazing and I am so lucky in so many ways but until a baby's brain is taught how to sleep you can't truly enjoy them. Let's be honest on 3 hours sleep you start getting desperate and you do resent them for making you wretched in every way.

Don't get me wrong I adore my two sons, but as Charles Dickens wrote "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." and it is exactly that. I long for that person that laughed more, that didn't have a headache most of the time, that had spare time to think and just be. It probably sounds selfish but I miss myself – and I am scared of who I have become...namely more like my mother than I care to admit, (if she could get me to care about the housekeeping 100% of the time the incarnation would be complete).

I know I'm not meant to complain about this - what about people who can't have babies, or those that have lost them - god forbid.. I am aware logically of how blessed I am - I have a happy healthy family which is all that should matter. But sleep deprivation seems to remove all logic. And when I look at my life through bleary eyes I only see the negatives. 

Here's hoping tonight my youngest will sleep more than 3.5hrs at a time then my world will be clearer, my guilt will be less, my husband will sigh with relief and I will truly appreciate the beautiful madness that my two gorgeous boys have made of my life. 


  1. I'm just reading over all posts and I really enjoy the way you write! You describe things so well! It's exactly how I feel but you are much more eloquent that I seem to be able to be. Love your work!

  2. Well written. You sure put it down the way readers will always come for more. Following you from MBC, please follow back.

  3. Thanks very much Robyn & Nekky. It means a lot when brilliant fellow-bloggers love your work. Am following you both too.

    See you online,

  4. i was just randomly reading your posts. and this seems to be the one i can relate to the most -- 3hours sleep, missing old self, etc... though im just on the way still.
    it is really a beautiful madness. :D

  5. Hi Just my luck - you mean you couldn't relate to the one about the metal cow? Seriously glad you can relate to this one. If it helps from about 6-7mths it suddenly got easier because I started getting 5hrs sleep - now I only have twitter or writing to blame for my exhaustion. Hope you get more sleep soon.

    Nicole x


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